The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing, and How It Can Disconnect You From Your Values
- risewithholly
- Jan 7
- 4 min read
People-pleasing often looks and feels like kindness. You might be the one who keeps the peace, thinks of everyone else first, and rarely asks for much in return (and yes, I was you too a few years ago).
But for many women, especially those who’ve lived through emotionally painful or overwhelming experiences, people-pleasing isn’t really about being kind. It’s about staying safe.
Over time, this way of relating can quietly pull you away from your own values, your needs, and your sense of self. You may find yourself living in response to others, rather than from what truly matters to you.
Understanding this isn’t about blame. It’s about compassion, and about finding your way back to yourself.
Why People-Pleasing Is More Than Just Being Kind
People-pleasing is often mistaken for generosity or selflessness. But beneath the surface, it’s usually rooted in a deep need for acceptance and safety.
If, at some point in your life, expressing your needs led to conflict, criticism, or emotional withdrawal, it makes sense that you learned to adapt. To soften yourself. To stay agreeable. To keep the peace.
What may have once protected you can later become a habit, making it hard to say no, speak honestly, or even know what you want anymore.
The Impact of People-Pleasing After Trauma
Trauma can intensify people-pleasing patterns. When safety has felt uncertain, your nervous system may stay on high alert, constantly scanning for signs of disapproval or tension.
You might find yourself shaping your behaviour to avoid upsetting others, even at the cost of your own comfort or truth. While this can feel protective, it often creates a growing distance from your authentic self.
Part of women’s emotional healing is recognising that these patterns weren’t a weakness, they were a response to what you needed to survive.
How People-Pleasing Leads to Loss of Self
When you spend years prioritising others, your own values and desires can slowly fade into the background. You may feel exhausted, resentful, or strangely empty, unsure why life doesn’t feel quite right.
This loss of self after people-pleasing is incredibly common. When decisions are guided by keeping others comfortable, it becomes harder to ask yourself: What actually matters to me?
Without clarity around your values, setting boundaries or making aligned choices can feel confusing and overwhelming.
The Role of Boundaries in Overcoming People-Pleasing
Boundaries and people-pleasing are closely linked. Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away, they’re about honouring what you need in order to stay connected to yourself.
If you’re used to putting others first, boundaries can feel uncomfortable, or even selfish. But learning to say no, or to speak your needs, is often a key part of rebuilding self-trust and living in alignment with your values.
Gentle Ways to Reconnect With Your Values
Reconnect with what matters to you
Spend time reflecting on what truly feels important now, not what should matter, but what actually does.
Notice when people-pleasing shows up
Gently observe the moments you feel compelled to say yes or stay silent, even when something doesn’t feel right.
Practice small, honest boundaries
Start where it feels manageable. Each small boundary is a step back toward yourself.
Seek trauma-informed support
Having a safe, supportive space can help you understand these patterns and begin shifting them with compassion
Care for yourself, consistently
Self-care isn’t indulgent, it’s a way of reinforcing that your needs matter too.
Real-Life Example: People-Pleasing Your Partner’s Family
Does this resonate with you?
Emma often found herself saying yes to her partner’s family, attending gatherings she felt drained by, staying quiet when comments hurt, and putting her own needs to one side to “keep the peace”. She told herself she was just being understanding and supportive.
Over time, though, Emma began to feel anxious before family events and resentful afterwards. She noticed she no longer knew where her own boundaries were - or whether she was even allowed to have them.
Through trauma-informed coaching, Emma began to see that her people-pleasing wasn’t about her kindness. It was rooted in earlier experiences where harmony felt essential for emotional safety. She had learned that being agreeable meant being accepted.
As she gently reconnected with her values of respect, honesty, and emotional safety - Emma started making different choices. Sometimes that meant leaving earlier, sometimes speaking up, and sometimes choosing not to attend at all.
These shifts didn’t make her unkind. They helped her feel more like herself again, calmer, clearer, and more grounded in what truly mattered to her.
If people-pleasing has been part of how you’ve learned to stay safe, it can be hard to know what you actually want or value anymore.
My Values Clarity Sessions offer a calm, trauma-informed space to reconnect with what matters to you, so your choices begin to come from alignment, not people pleasing.
You’re welcome to book a session if this feels like the next right step.
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